For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
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I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.