Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
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I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease