Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.

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My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.


When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been


According to my autocorrect, i’m wearing edible pantries


Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?

Judge: Granted

Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*

Roomba: *revving suction noises*


[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?


Him: I’m really into clean eating.

Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.


My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”


All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.