Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
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In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police