Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.

Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.

- @donni

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Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.


Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes


PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.


Judge:”Since we can’t prove who’s baby it is we will … cut the baby in half

Worm Mom 1:”Sure
Worm Mom 2 :”Ya do it.


Exclamation point rules

! – good
!! – excited
!!! – awesome
!!!! – starting to get creepy
!!!!! – cheerleader creepy
!!!!!! – own 20 cats


I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.



Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked

“Why are you naked?”



It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.

“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”


Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.


No, YOUUU had a kid just so you could have someone to eat pizza and play video games with