@donni

Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.

Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.

- @donni

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@DothTheDoth

Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.

@mela_shea

Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes

@CulturedRuffian

PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.

@d_duhwit

Judge:”Since we can’t prove who’s baby it is we will … cut the baby in half

Worm Mom 1:”Sure
Worm Mom 2 :”Ya do it.

@theshamingofjay

Exclamation point rules

! – good
!! – excited
!!! – awesome
!!!! – starting to get creepy
!!!!! – cheerleader creepy
!!!!!! – own 20 cats

@Skullcat

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

@Book_Krazy

[interview]

Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked

“Why are you naked?”

dammit

@santiagomayer_

It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.

“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”

@hasht4g

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.

@DaddyJew

No, YOUUU had a kid just so you could have someone to eat pizza and play video games with