Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
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Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.