Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
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Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.