Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.

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You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.


I take spiders outside in stead of killing them because it’s not their fault that I’m scared of them.

I do however, scream while doing so.


Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”


*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No


Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM

Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little


wife: I am having an affair

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have the affair as well


I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.



1st kid: Document their every move

2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time


[Friday 5pm]

Me: *shutting down computer*

Computer: have a good weekend 🙂

[Monday 8am]

Me: omg you’re still on

Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this


Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.