whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
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Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.