whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
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Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
U talkin 2 me?
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
doing your own taxes
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*