Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
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Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Holy moly
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it