Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
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I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?