Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
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“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell