If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
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Somewhere in an alternate universe
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
(yawn)
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
termite twitter scares me
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Leaving the Barbers like
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.