Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
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I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Pot warmers of the day.
me hooking up with my ex
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk