@TheAlexNevil

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

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@Just_Lee_

When I think of you, I touch myself.

With my finger.

In the back of my throat to help me vomit because you make me nauseous.

@RobertManchild

Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.

@AngryRaccoon2

“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”

-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.

@shutupmikeginn

A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks

@shiksaaa

My boyfriend said he had a Catwoman fantasy. I must have misunderstood because we both wore leather cat suits to bed last night.

Awkward.

@samalmightysam

”I want to ruin some songs today.” -The producers of Glee every morning.

@GrillinChillin9

Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.

@ginarush

it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind