When I think of you, I touch myself.
With my finger.
In the back of my throat to help me vomit because you make me nauseous.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
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Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
The international address of Twitter
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
My boyfriend said he had a Catwoman fantasy. I must have misunderstood because we both wore leather cat suits to bed last night.
”I want to ruin some songs today.” -The producers of Glee every morning.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind