@minkpinkustink

whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong

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@stewnami

I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.

@ieatanddrink

Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in

@LostFelicia

Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.

@singwithTaffy

(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein

@BuckyIsotope

ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that

@5hael

[David Attenborough narrating my life]

Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall

@sofarrsogud

CONCERT

AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!

@cheeky__gal

After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.

Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.

@BoogTweets

Me: how much for the horse kabobs

Ride operator: it’s a carousel