@minkpinkustink: whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
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@KyleMcDowell86: Juror:We find the defendant- *pizza guy bursts in* "Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty" Defendant: Im Not Guilty Judge:NOT GUILTY *bangs gavel*
@bafeldman: *jk rowling wakes up* what’s today’s tweet *spins large bingo cage* hagrid… is… pansexual and… he later joined isis
@UncleDuke1969: Son: Dad? Me: Yeah? S: Do you have a plan for the 'Zombie Apocalypse'? M: Sure do. S: What is it? M: To run faster than you & your sister.
@Goggner: Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?