whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong

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I put suicide notes next to roadkill so their animal families have some closure


[brainstorming movie scripts]

writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-

stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress


wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now


I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this


When her friend visits, my 2yr old just wants to hug her a lot… & keep her away from the toys. I feel that way about my friends & my vodka


I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.


I keep trying to turn my hat around backwards so I can get down to business, but it’s a sombrero and I’m making zero progress.


[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}


Gordon Ramsay: *smashing things* WHY IS THE OVEN FACING THE WALL?!?

me: dude you told me to set it at 180 degrees