I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
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Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel