whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
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I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Happy thanksgiving!
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle