If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” has never had a spider disappear in their bedroom.
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They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.