@flaskofwhiskeyy

Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” has never had a spider disappear in their bedroom.

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@WheelTod

If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk

@TheWidowmakerX

They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years

@Mardigroan

How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”

@BlindChow

INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?

ME: ???

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

@AuthorGaylord

5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going

@0point5twins

STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.

@distracted_monk

I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.

@Reverend_Scott

[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]

Me: must be good genetics

@Ron_White

I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.