You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
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Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
I think we should hear other voices.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Today’s Times
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.