Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
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I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls