@realHamOnWry

Whoever said that the pen is mightier than the sword never tried slicing a cucumber with a Sharpie.

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@HoldinCoffeeld

When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.

@GuyThe_Guy

I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me

@shutupmikeginn

Advantage of seeing a goose: you just saw something interesting my friend.

Disadvantage: next goose experience less meaningful

@roggyie

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

@_ISpeakTrue

Guys aren’t the only one who get friendzoned!

I’m so deep in the friendzone that I’ve met his girlfriends parents

@FabMommy29

If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?

@lecalabara

Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.

@TheBoydP

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

@sofarrsogud

ME: Whatcha doin?

WIFE: Watchin Dune.

ME: I asked you first, Sharon.