@realHamOnWry

Whoever said that the pen is mightier than the sword never tried slicing a cucumber with a Sharpie.

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@rhysjamesy

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.

@ohheyohhihello

BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?

ME: Of course!

BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]

@jonnysun

if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down

@OhNoSheTwitnt

While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.

@rad_milk

break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out

@craiguito

RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts

@HomeProbably

It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.

@Marlebean

A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.

@DamienFahey

Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”

@samdunsiger

Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.