Whoever said that the pen is mightier than the sword never tried slicing a cucumber with a Sharpie.

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When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.


I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me


Advantage of seeing a goose: you just saw something interesting my friend.

Disadvantage: next goose experience less meaningful


If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.


Guys aren’t the only one who get friendzoned!

I’m so deep in the friendzone that I’ve met his girlfriends parents


If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?


Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.


Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.


ME: Whatcha doin?

WIFE: Watchin Dune.

ME: I asked you first, Sharon.