Whoever said that the pen is mightier than the sword never tried slicing a cucumber with a Sharpie.

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Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.


BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?

ME: Of course!

BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]


if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down


While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.


break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out


RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts


It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.


A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.


Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”


Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.