@Eightinchgoat

Whoever said “The best things in life are free” obviously knew a very unsuccessful coke dealer.

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@twelveyearsold

i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative

@ScottLinnen

Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?

@usermcuserface

(Drops)
Damn it
(Drops)
Damn it
(Drops)
Damn it
(Stabs it)
(Drops)
Damn it

– me trying to eat with chopsticks.

@LeBearGirdle

“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”

mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-

[From outside] LOOFAS!

@DaddyJew

It’s like my doctor always says “holy shit, you’re still alive?”

@TuSoonShakur

{Annual Introverts Conference}

speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better

@SaraESpivey

After I orgasm, I yell “Aaaaand scene.” Then I push him off me, throw him his clothes while holding the door open& say “Ummm. We’ll call u.”

@perfect_boxx

I was asked to name my top 10 most favorite books.

I don’t have 10 so I just started naming insects.

@Schmoodles

If I ever have a heart attack, I’m deleting my internet history before I call an ambulance. Better safe than sorry.