The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
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Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
I wish I were this cool 😂
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro