@Vodkantots: Whoever said, "there's no place like home for the holidays" clearly hasn't been to my house.
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@3sunzzz: My husband pissed me off so when he wasn't looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He's been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
@TheHyyyype: [creation of walrus] god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard angel: sorry, come again? god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers angel: dude what god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
@TheAlexP: [at specialist office] Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see? Me: I’m here for...did you just say witch doctor? SD: no M: you sure? SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
@novicefather: [william shakespeare as an 8yo] dad: bedtime william: dost thou not... dad: [interrupting] STOP TALKING LIKE THAT!