@Vodkantots

Whoever said, “there’s no place like home for the holidays” clearly hasn’t been to my house.

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@PAPIKAIBITCH

SOME GIRLS GET BEATEN UP BY THEIR BOYFRIENDS AND STICK AROUND SAYING “I SEE SOMETHING IN HIM” LIKE WTF YOU SEE??? A REMATCH?

@iwearaonesie

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

@GSElevator

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.

@jordan_stratton

All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at dry cleaners]

Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?

Owner: Yes

Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!

@TheHyyyype

mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes

me: with what

@XplodingUnicorn

Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?

3-year-old: Babies are jerks.

@kelkulus

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.