“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
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Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
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I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there