SOME GIRLS GET BEATEN UP BY THEIR BOYFRIENDS AND STICK AROUND SAYING “I SEE SOMETHING IN HIM” LIKE WTF YOU SEE??? A REMATCH?
Whoever said, “there’s no place like home for the holidays” clearly hasn’t been to my house.
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wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
I’m surprised my son doesn’t think his name is ‘stopit’
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.