Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
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me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
“The Perfect Relationship”
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
How your email finds me
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.