Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
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If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
how to exercise your calf muscles
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
that de-escalated quickly
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
my mom making me talk to relatives
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.