Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.

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It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.


911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.


Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear


OMG. What if “Shut up” isn’t such a persuasive argument after all?

No, you shut up.


My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.


Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.

Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin


Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.


[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?


I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.