Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
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Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
87% of my day is spent remembering my kids names and my anniversary and stuff and the other 57% is trying to do math.
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
*cat rubs against genie lamp*
G: you get one wish
Cat:*makes eye contact & slowly pushes lamp off table*
G: guess who just wished for a dog
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status… After 3 it should default to “Unstable”
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY