Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
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A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Me: I don’t like online shopping. I’m old school. I need to touch it, smell it, taste it.
Her: I still need you to leave our lingerie store.
*robbing a bank*
6-year-old: dad, take that stocking off. There’s only about 80 cents in this piggy bank.
*point rescued by Liam Neeson
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
I’m a simple man *bites a pinecone* I enjoy simple things *tosses a gun into a lake* that’s why I decided to let these bees live in my skull
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat