Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt

Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt

A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.

Kid: why do cookies look so happy?

Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked

Kid: I wanna get baked

Me: me too kid… me too

Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.

Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.

Good thing some people show their bare chest in their profile pic, otherwise we wouldn’t have known they had a torso.

Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.

I think you can all settle down. Its unlikely Instagram will ever find buyers for photos of 20 000 feet and a billion sunsets.

I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.

[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends

[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming

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