Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt

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Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)


A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.


The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.


Me: I don’t like online shopping. I’m old school. I need to touch it, smell it, taste it.
Her: I still need you to leave our lingerie store.


*robbing a bank*
6-year-old: dad, take that stocking off. There’s only about 80 cents in this piggy bank.


6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.


I’m a simple man *bites a pinecone* I enjoy simple things *tosses a gun into a lake* that’s why I decided to let these bees live in my skull


when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right


Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat