My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
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pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Should I call tech support or pray or what
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Lol.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds