Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
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Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room