@GrillinChillin9

Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.

You Might Also Like

@rachelle_mandik

ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—

@IamJackBoot

Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.

@kentgrossarth

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

@badbanana

Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.

@AndrewsNotFunny

I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship

Him: You’ll be sorry

Me: I sure hope so

@coryrichardson_

me: [trying to impress date] i have a PHD… a pretty huge d-

her: Don’t say it, im leaving

[later]

me: *feeding my enormous dolphin* sorry buddy, i guess she doesn’t like dolphins

@OBiiieeee

My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL