ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
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“The pleasure is all mine”
Omg you’re so selfish
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Women call it a secret sixth sense, men call it paranoia.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
me: [trying to impress date] i have a PHD… a pretty huge d-
her: Don’t say it, im leaving
me: *feeding my enormous dolphin* sorry buddy, i guess she doesn’t like dolphins
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL