Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
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The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.