Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
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The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer