Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
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Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Oh thanks BBC.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.