Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
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Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Monday
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]