Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
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If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go