[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Whole Foods Cashier: Do you have your grocery bags?
Me: Kidding? At $6 an apple you should drive them home and make an apple pie for me.
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-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
eating a straw so the turtles don’t have to
The best time to leave the country is when a demonic voice screams your name from inside a locked basement
Israel is like STOP TOUCHING ME and Palestine is like YOU’RE TOUCHING ME and Hillary is like I WILL PULL THIS CAR OVER.
sorry son. I know u had ur heart set on college but Grandma had to throw her massive diamond into the ocean to deal w some emotional stuff
me: wait why is the T silent
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”