Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
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If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
This made me smile…
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.