Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?