[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
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If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Eat…
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”