Whom hath released the hounds? Whom? Whom? Whom? Whom?

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Looks like Brenda in Accounting drew on her angry eyebrows today…


My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.


Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.


Now we’re going to say some shit to scare old people.

-the local news


If you yell Bloody Mary into a mirror 3 times at 3AM, as loud as you can, your mom will appear and tell you to shut up and go to bed.


I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.


My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.


The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can’t.


Villain: Does crimes.

Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.