@ShakesREMIX

Whom hath released the hounds? Whom? Whom? Whom? Whom?

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@Tammy2Tone

Looks like Brenda in Accounting drew on her angry eyebrows today…

@_SingleBabyMama

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

@Elizasoul80

Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.

@Unlucky_Ninja

Now we’re going to say some shit to scare old people.

-the local news

@jackie_ibbyxo

If you yell Bloody Mary into a mirror 3 times at 3AM, as loud as you can, your mom will appear and tell you to shut up and go to bed.

@FINALLEVEL

I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.

@peachgrenade

My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.

@TheWhaleFacts

The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can’t.

@ShootyDoody

Villain: Does crimes.

Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.