Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
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There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.