Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
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Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.