Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Whoops, pizza sauce on my hands. Better wash this off with soap and water. Oh poop on my ass? I’ll just use this dry paper and call it good.
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“We need to put pressure on the wound!”
[to wound] We’ve been together 6 months now, I think we should move in together”
Me: Siri, how do I look?
Siri: Well, at least you tried
Him: I’m so glad your mine.
Me: *eyes fill with tears* It’s you’re.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her