Whoops, pizza sauce on my hands. Better wash this off with soap and water. Oh poop on my ass? I’ll just use this dry paper and call it good.

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Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.


[emergency room]
“We need to put pressure on the wound!”
[to wound] We’ve been together 6 months now, I think we should move in together”


Him: I’m so glad your mine.

Me: *eyes fill with tears* It’s you’re.


Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.


I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.


People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.


I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.


I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her