Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840

This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.

Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.

just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams

Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!

I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.

whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave

[at daycare]

Me: I’m here to pick up my son

Daycare: what’s he look like?

Me: *points to my face*

D: oh. Ok

Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*

I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!

– me to my bed.

Wife: the baby needs changing

Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her

Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.

So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.

Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.

[First Date]

Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”

*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor

dad: you losing weight

me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet

dad: yes

Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.

I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.

[first date]

OK don’t let her know you’re a snail

Waiter: Would you like some salt?

[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]

me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]

guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy

I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.

My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”

I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.

everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places

My doctor says I should try running with scissors.