“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
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MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me: