Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
You Might Also Like
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Every photo I’m tagged in
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.