@FattMernandez

Who’s the fax machine player in Skrillex?

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@dave_cactus

BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!

@fro_vo

Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: ok.

God: you have a great memory.

Elephant: what does that mean?

God: you never forget.

Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?

God:

Elephant:

God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.

@RodLacroix

Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME

@copymama

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

@Henry_3000

Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”

Me: *swirls drink* “No”.

@anerdonfire2

The good news: She actually gave me her number

The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.

@cluedont

BBC: ‘Much of Scotland’s coastline still being battered.’ They will literally deep fry anything.

@joekellyjk47

As a child, it really stressed me out that Rocky was late to his second fight with Apollo Creed. I mean, don’t be late to that.