Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
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Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Just how popey was the pope today?
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen