Who’s the idiot that made it Killer whale and not Panda shark

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Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!


I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal


HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?

Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!


You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH