But how come Tarzan didn’t have a beard?
Who’s the idiot that made it Killer whale and not Panda shark
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Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
COP: pull over
ME: no it’s a cardigan
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
All rooms are panic rooms if there is no iPhone charger
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
You look like a snack:
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises
You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH