Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
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Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.