Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
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REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
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Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”