who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
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Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?