@molly7anne

who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed

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@muyrando

*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?

@MaraWritesStuff

“Your former crush likes this thing”

“Your former crush likes this thing”

“Your former crush likes this thing”

-Facebook

@pilau

S tay
T he
A fuck
Y at

A home
T you

H stupid
O selfish
M bastards
E ggs

@215potter

Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…

@bingowings14

My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.

@Sorrowscopes

Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.

@dafloydsta

[at a bar]

ME: I’m gonna ask that girl out.

FRIEND: Okay, but don’t be weird.

SOCK PUPPET ON MY HAND: And don’t say anything stupid.

@Sassafrantz

Thanks for putting your kid on the phone so he could say hi. It changed my life.

@LeBearGirdle

*texting with girls*

Her: I <3 you

Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3