Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
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Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.