@Hammyinmiami

Whose got two big strong hands? Asking for a friend on National No Bra day?

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@weinerdog4life

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

@iwearaonesie

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want

@WienerToboggan

*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure

@SleazySli

i look like i’m trying to get water out of my ears when i dance

@pleatedjeans

[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No

@rockymomax

ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so

@trayofcheese

Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.

@put_veerle

I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from

@PleaseBeGneiss

ME: *so high I’m screaming*

WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!