Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
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Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.