Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
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All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
🍛
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Donkey Kong sommelier
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.