@JeffMyspace

Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?

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@moutheaters

Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies

@TheToddWilliams

[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game

@DainWins

Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]

@sirmunchie

JUST ONCE MORE! PLEEEEEEASE? I PROMISE THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME! LET ME DO IT AND I’LL NEVER ASK AGAIN!

-Liam Neeson pitching “Taken 3”

@TheWeirdWorld

With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.

@T_Bonezzz_

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

@alexmeyerrr

I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25

@KThonvold

People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up

@mynameisntdave

I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.

@sploosk

my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again