[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
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*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.